Partners

Ant and Dec have slept together precisely once.

 

It came about after a read-through of a C.H.U.M.S segment for SMtv: LIVE. Cat Deeley’s character had said a very funny thing about sofas which had implied that Ant and Dec had at some point done a thing wherein their winkles had touched ends. People laughed. So far: a good morning for Cat Deeley.

The cast subsequently went on break while the producers discussed if the joke was too explicit, and it was here when Ant first broached the subject with Dec. Dec was sat near the lunch table, eating a single blueberry, which was all he was allowed in order to keep him so national-treasure-small, and he almost choked on it when Ant sat down next to him and said:

“Should we actually, pet?” he said, smiling at the other half of his brand. “Should we actually, you know, cram bits?”

Dec looked at him, and he saw that Ant was really taken by this idea.

“Well, you know best,” he said, smiling a little hopeful smile. “You always know best.”

Later on, after they’d put every inch of themselves into every inch of themselves, they lay back in bed, beaming with sweat, in the formation they always stood on camera, with Dec on the right (it was ingrained).

“What do you think?” asked Ant, after his breath had come back to him.

“Ummm,” said Dec. “It was good. Took longer than I thought.”

“My calf muscles really hurt,” said Ant.

“And mine,” smiled Dec. They were such good friends. “Shall we … shall we try it again?”

“Do you want to?” asked Ant.

Dec thought for a moment.

“Not really,” he said.

“Me neither,” smiled Ant. “Goodnight, pet.”

Then they fell asleep, and they both had lovely near-identical dreams about boats, because they were such good friends.

Ant and Dec never had sex again. They tried it once and gave it an absolutely fair hearing, but ultimately it wasn’t for them, and we can all respect that. Nothing’s ever changed between them, except, perhaps, once or twice, when the writers would sneak a very subtle homoerotic joke into What Is Ant Whistling? or Fartbeat, the observant children at home might, might, spot Ant and Dec catching each other’s eye and sharing a cheeky, secretive smile; only for a second, then it would be gone. Then business as usual for the nation’s favourites.

Dick and Dom, on the other hand, have never had sex. Because they’re cowards.

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